Sixty percent of marriages are failing
When we look at many around us especially those who are or have been in a long term relationships it is easy to become disillusioned by what we see and hear. Why do we hear stories with regularity that people who were once totally devoted to one another now seem less than enthusiastic about their relationships? What happened to those who so easily once lavished such devotion and attention on one another? What happened to those exquisite thoughts of eternal togetherness, patience and kindness so classically associated with two people in love?
How quickly we become disillusioned
Most people find themselves facing the ‘truth’ about their relationships quite early on. The main problem is they ignore the first signs and do nothing about it. It is the little voice in our heads that constantly creates battles between what we are hoping for and what we are experiencing.
Positive actions require no thought
Why do we struggle with the negatives be it in relationships or any area of our lives? The answer is to be found in two parts; our fears and our ignorance of how things work when they are working. A positive interaction requires little or no thought. There is no demand to manage words or actions. There is no pressure on why things go right. The result is as we give no thought to how our relationships work when they go well we have no ability to understand what elements will make them go well again when they start to go wrong. We have no idea how to put them back together again. This truly reveals the inadequacy we have when it comes to learning about the most critical part of our lives. The majority of us simply don’t know how to improve a relationship that has started to go wrong. When fear and procrastination control there is no room for logical understanding and actions. Eventually whatever respect and devotion was initially there gives way to unbridled emotions with a catastrophic ending waiting in the wings.
Lack of maturity spells lack of ability
Many accept their situations and focus on their discomfort rather than any contemplated formal decisions or approaches. There is no doubt that as we get older we learn from our mistakes. What is important to bear in mind however, is that for many of us our mistakes rob us of our youth and along with it many years of more peaceful, more productive relationships. It’s all very well to think back over the last thirty years and decide what you would do differently. How do we handle today’s issues and situations so that when we look back we have made the right choices, the right decisions?
Can we accept that we need to learn how to be in a relationship so that in the grand scheme of things, we can improve the odds for sharing our life with someone else and experience a peaceful, warm, kind and patient relationship?
So what is the secret for those who find that their relationship has come with many unwanted extras?
I don’t think the answer lies in the many ‘counselors who spend their days purveying remedies to people. Their target is usually those who have already become lost. Many use the approach that suggests that one or the other should change this or change that. Logical words of advice lay out what is obvious to all but seemingly unreachable for many.
And those who fall by the wayside take the seemingly easy way out and end up going to divorce courts seeking the one remedy that ultimately touches too many lives in a way that few imagined or realized when they adopted this all too seemingly easily acceptable conclusion.
So if the counselors haven’t decreased the problem and the divorce courts present ultimately devastating conclusions what advice can one contemplate that will really make a difference to our relationships that have not yet decayed? Can one turn around a relationship that has suffered the devastating effects that disrespect and emotions have rendered? Can we discover what forgiveness means and what form it should take?
What makes me qualified to speak?
I feel qualified to speak for two reasons; I teach effective communication and I have experienced twenty eight years of marriage, many of these years in which I did nothing to enhance the union and looking back I know why and what I could have done. For me I was more lucky than wise. Today I can be both.
The solution.
The solution I feel is found at many levels. The first starting point is to establish what level or stage you are at within your relationship. There are three levels, like a book; the beginning, the middle and the end.
Beginners:
Distant trumpets have begun to blare. What was once so natural and easy to be patient now becomes easier to broadcast your opposition. Where you once listened with rapt attention now gives way to irritation. There is an increasing absence of understanding. Intolerance and violence exist best when there is an absence of dialogue and dialogue is quickly becoming one sided monologues. The art of sharing how we feel and asking for what we want now becomes demands of how the other person should behave and change. We tell or accuse. We no longer explain how we feel. We demand instant recognition of our pain. We seek gratification in the fact that we and we lone are the only sufferers. In our telling we say nothing meaningful at all. At least nothing that the other person can perceive as meaningful. Comprehension is replaced with blame and demands. We resist any attempt to accept responsibility. Resistance causes resistance. The more you resist the more opposition you find you are facing. As human beings the concept of resistance comes easily to us. It is part of our survival strategy. Neither party can afford to let go so they pull in opposite directions and the harder they pull the harder the resistance they feel.
Middle
By the time your relationship has matured to the point of familiarity and benign acceptance your opposition to one another has all but given way to accepting the conditions you find yourself in. You probably have kids, mortgages and a host of reasons why you should maintain your relationship. Logic is replaced with emotions and many of the things you say whether it is to threaten demand or retreat go unattended and unnoticed.
At this point the unacceptable, the unthinkable has become the standard. No recognition is given to the future other than to contemplate the negative consequences. Many couples now await solutions to present themselves. With the basics missing any singular solutions are unlikely to alter the foundations that are already missing.
The end
For some the end comes before the beginning has had much chance of perpetuating itself. For others it can be a welcome respite form what has already gone horribly wrong. But whatever the reason too many suffer. With divorce rates soaring and single parent families the accepted consequences the only logical question we can ask is have we collectively accepted these conclusions too easily.
The anatomy of an argument
Let’s look at the anatomy of an argument. Much if not all of what goes wrong starts with an argument in which consensus cannot be reached. If you were to stop and identify how arguments are comprised some very important facts are revealed.
All arguments are ridden with emotions. Perceptions of what is happening create illusions that do not necessarily have to have any stability or factuality. Demands based on expired expectations obliterate common sense. Comparisons add fuel to unrealistic expectations. Anger and spite become the non-virtues of choice. Entitlement combined with accusation obviates frustration and intolerance. And finally lack of self control gives way to more anger and the cycle repeats itself with more intensity.
Once emotions come into play just about anything goes. The absurd becomes reasonable in the minds of the opposing sides; imagination fired by perceptions sets the stage for disaster. Unintended threats once uttered are received as real. Add your own personality mix, your background and beliefs and you have a fully orchestrated disaster. Arguments, especially under these circumstances and without a change in direction cannot be won they can only be endured.
Tune into the August WITZwire for the second half of this WITZtip! |
